How I Kept Myself From Being Seen...

And How I Learned to Be Seen By Others... Our ego want us to be seen and not seen at the same time; so how do we reconcile these ego needs? Awareness.

I recently told you about How I Learned to See Myself and Let That Be Enough, and as I was writing that post I also began to understand that, while I had been struggling to get people to see my pain (unnecessarily, I’ve learned), I have also contributed to intentionally NOT being seen.

Visibility is a double-edged sword.

On one hand, as I explained, we all want to be seen.

On the other hand, we often don’t want to be seen at all.

I have been experiencing this exact contradiction lately.

While I was making myself seen by sharing the pain of becoming my father’s caretaker, I have at the same time, been keeping myself from being seen from fear of being criticized or made fun of, of being looked at funny, or being talked about, or honestly, from the fear of being noticed at all.

Wow, right? Our minds and egos can create very contradictory experiences.

I slowed down, invoked awareness and reflection. What was allowed to manifest was that I was able to name the true source of my fears:

criticism

shame

embarrassment

vulnerability

Emotionally, I am taken back to elementary and junior high school as I write these words. I can feel this acute anxiety in my gut, 40+ years later.

These fears are coming directly from my inner child; and my ego is running the show.

My ego insists that I do not engage in behaviors that cause me to experience this gut-wrenching anxiety.

My ego insists I stay small and SAFE!

Safety above all else!

Safety is a pretty strong trigger for my anxiety and I’ve been aware of this for some time now. Do you see how my ego plays its role, here?

I also shared recently that I find marketing my business to be a challenge - putting “myself” out there and feeling invisible - but at the same time NOT putting myself out there because I don’t (my ego doesn’t) want to be seen.

Now that I’ve learned of this contradiction, and now that I’ve learned that shining my light of awareness on pain (anxiety, in this case) can heal it, I am able to move past it.

I can allow my inner child to feel anxious, while at the same time step away from my ego and still be safe. I can nurture my inner child with reassurance that she’s safe.

The messages my ego imagines and fears cannot hurt me. Because I am perfect just the way I am. Nothing anyone says can change that.

I can be criticized and not take it personally.

I can release shame knowing that while I may make a mistake, I’m still a good person.

I can feel confident rather than embarrassed by my belief in the energy of the universe, even if others feel differently.

I can feel vulnerable and still be brave by sharing of myself and my experience.

I can connect with Spirit and know that my message is being received by those who need it.

I can allow myself to be seen.

I can allow others to see me.

You can allow yourself to be seen.

You can allow others to see you.

How do you pay attention to your ego’s needs to be seen or not be seen?

Do you even have an awareness here?

Have you shown compassion to your inner child lately?

Have you even met your inner child, yet?

If you feel a pull toward discovering your inner child or the workings of your ego, I can hold space as you learn to shine light on your ego and learn to love your inner child. Schedule a Discovery Call; let's chat.

Tracy

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Categories: ego, inner transformation, self-compassion, spirituality, transformation